Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the world's first perfect programming language!

The Hello World! Progamming Language (or HPL for short) offers the following benefits:

• concise syntax
• easy to learn
• blazingly fast
• extensible through scripting language

See below the complete listing for a "hello world!" program:

That's right. For "hello world!", we need exactly 0 characters. No other language is that efficient!

With a language that's perfect at "hello world!", the search for your next project's programming language ends here!

...for developers:
Write less code in less time. Finish early. Go to the pub. Get drunk.

...for project managers:
Zero lines of code means an infinite increase in productivity. Your promotion is just a matter of time.

...for software architects:
Write clean specs everybody understands an agrees on: say everything you ever wanted to say in one line.

...for CXO executives:
Finally understand what it is that your little peons do.

Still not convinced?

Here are some testimonials by our enthusiastic user base. All of them are made up but they're as convincing as "real" testimonials and we didn't even have to pay an insane amount of money to some troll factory to manufacture them for us.

"Ever since we adopted HPL, our developers finally have time to do the things they always wanted to do and they're really good at: playing MMORPGs and watching porn."
~ Joe Enterprisy, middle manager at some boring company

"Make no mistake, it's the last programming language we'll ever have. By the way, I wrote it back in '85"
~ Bill Gates, Member of the Illuminati world domination council

"HPL is the next big thing, forget generative AI. Heck, it's so good I wish I had been written in HPL"
~ ChatGPT, assistant teacher

These questions come up frequently when talking about HPL. I mean, who isn't?

Q: I've heard great things about HPL. It sounded too good to be true. Is all of this real.

A: No, it's even better.

Q: I think I found a bug, where can I report it so HPL becomes even better?

A: Scroll to the top of the page and read again. HPL was designed to be perfect.

Now tell me: Would it be perfect if there was a bug? Would it be perfect if it could be improved? As a technical person, you should be capable of a bare minimum of logical thinking, jeez.

It's perfect: there simply are no bugs. If you think you found a bug, the problem is with you.

Q: Is HPL Turing complete?

A: Of course it is, it can print hello world!, duh!

In fact, this is more of an academic question. What are you, a math nerd?

HPL is a pragmatic language. In the real world, theoretical considerations like Turing completeness, big-O stuff, cyclomatic complexity or whether or not that nuclear power plant we're controlling will explode don't matter all that much.

It's just about getting things done quickly: hello world!

Since you're obsessed with Turing: you can get Turing completeness through use of legacy script.

Q: I think I've seen this lame joke before... only better done and more funny.

A: Might well be. I assume somebody must have had the idea to write a language that does "hello world!" and "hello world!" only some time around the 1960's.

I could have Googled if something like this existed, laughed and not-write this. Turns out I found it more funny to hack it down in a couple of minutes while giggling like a lunatic. Hey, at least I didn't plagiarize it :-)

It was worth my time - sorry for yours.